The Order of the Black Eagle (1987)

Genre: Action
Format: VHS
Availability: RED
Director: Worth Keeter
Cast: Ian Hunter, Anna Rapagna
Surprise Celebrity: 1984 Olympic volleyball silver medalist Flo Hyman

In the history of American film, there have been plenty of attempts at creating franchises that never quite made it off the ground.  Movies like Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins, Sahara, and The Rocketeer were supposed to spawn a string of sequels, but instead quickly disappeared from our national conscious.  These are relatively high-profile flameouts, however, compared to the shittier end of the failed franchise spectrum.  Some action heroes, super spies, and badass cops have to play out their derivative sagas without coming anywhere near a theater. Duncan Jax is one of those schlemiels.  Think James Bond (because lord knows the filmmakers did), then subtract anything resembling charm and add a receding hairline.  Oh, and also a fucking baboon sidekick.

The movie opens with a short educational film reminding us that Hitler was bad, then cuts to a scientist receiving an award for lasers.  Suddenly, black-clad commandos burst in and kidnap the scientist by suspending him from a helicopter and flying him to South America.

We are introduced to Mr. Jax as he attempts to retrieve some gems from the hideout of some Arab jewel smugglers.  He escapes in his flying machine just in time, along with his tuxedo-wearing confidant Boon the Baboon (yes, you read that correctly).  Dax and Boon later land in the middle of a garden party on the lawn of his boss' estate, where the fancy guests respond by gasping things like "well, I never!" and "is that a monkey?".  This is obviously meant to establish that Jax is a rebel who does not play by the rules.

Jax's boss, Star, is a British man who is apparently also a high-ranking CIA official.  He informs Jax that there is a group of Nazis (the titular Order of the Black Eagle) living in South America and led by a man called The Baron.  The Order has kidnapped a famous laser expert and plan on using his talents to make some sort of death ray.  But that's not all!  They are also rumored to be in possession of Hitler's corpse, which they might resurrect (perhaps using lasers?).  Clearly this film is shaping up to be the next Boys from Brazil, only with more baboons.

Jax is paired up with a sexy blonde, who quickly and unnecessarily makes it clear that they won't be getting along.  Immediately after meeting him, she says she's heard a lot about him. When he asks if it was good or bad, she replies, "Oh, all good.  So you understand my disappointment." When the boss says they'll become "fast friends", Jax responds, "like oil and water". When the boss suggests the two go to lunch to discuss their mission, she says, "Should I come as I am, or should I swab myself with disinfectant?" What the fuck, lady?  I mean, I get that he's balding and creepy and holding a baboon, but this is a little harsh. The boss rolls his eyes, and I'm right there with him.  This delightful odd couple is sent undercover to the Order's headquarters, and shortly after arriving the blonde needs help zipping up her dress. Then they bang. Oh, movie magic, you win again!

Dax and Whatsherface are not very good spies, and are soon exposed by The Baron - a man resembling a late-in-life Orson Welles with an eyepatch and an accent that is a mixture of many different nationalities (oddly, none of them German).  Dax gets flushed down into the Nazi sewers but escapes using his Spy Tech. He then heads into the jungle where he meets up with Star and a gang of wacky mercenaries who (of course) all have very specific talents like shooting, knifing, or being a big black dude.  They have a run in with some local banditos but the team launches an offensive that is made all the more offensive when the baddies are caught off guard by Dax's "hilarious" gay dude impression.

When the good guys reach the Nazi compound, shit gets real. They launch an attack using rocket-firing hovercrafts before heading towards The Baron's compound, which looks like the set from Legends of the Hidden Temple.  Wave upon wave of henchmen appear and are dispatched easily, usually by that old 80's action standby - the explosion that sends the bad guys catapulting through the air. 

Once the Aztec Nazi Jungle Temple has been infiltrated, two insane things happen. First, Dax comes across Hitler's corpse and smashes its cryogenic chamber, causing Hitler's face to split open, revealing a mass of bloody jello with eyeballs and a tounge. Oh, and the other thing? The fucking monkey drives a fucking tank all over the Nazi camp and blows everything up.

Notes on the Cast: Not enough can be said about how goddamn unlikable the character of Duncan Jax is.  When James Bond was firing off sexist innuendos it came off as cool, if not endearing. When Duncan Jax learns he will be sharing a room with his partner and says to her, "We'll have to make the best of a tight situation", it makes you want to take a shower. It doesn't help that he punctuates every pun and double entendre with a creepy widening of his eyes. Thank God that Ian Hunter, the man behind the despicable character, has never acted since.  As far as the monkey goes, when he's not driving a fucking tank he pretty much just flips everybody off. The only other character with any depth is the hot brunette who's in charge of the mercenaries. Now her, I'd watch a movie about.

Notes on the Production: Sure the action is cheesy and stupid, but the fact remains that this movie required hovercrafts, helicopters, rockets, motorcycles, and all manner of exploding jeeps and speedboats.  Someone put a decent amount of money and effort into this movie (much like Funky Monkey), and countless actors were flung through the air for the sake of Duncan Jax's adventures. Despite the abundance of this kind of stuff, though, one can't help but get the feeling that everything is a copy of a copy of a copy of James Bond, Rambo, or Indiana Jones. Which it totally is.

Revolt (1985)

Genre: Action
Format: Netflix
Availability: BLACK
Director: J. Shaybany
Cast: Rand Martin, Jerryd Luck
Surprise Celebrity: Fattaneh
Special Guests: "Guest Star Sepehrnia"

Thank God for Netflix.  Not only does it provide me with specialized categories chock full of the kind of movies I want to see (usually involving a combination of the words "action", "violent", "campy", "horror", "gritty", and "1980's"), but without it, I would have never discovered this heaping, stinky pile of cinematic garbage.  As far as I can tell - and trust me, I've looked - Revolt is not available anywhere else.  There is no listing of it on the IMDb, and a Google search brings up absolutely no information - aside from a single review from a blog specializing in 80's/90's action flicks.  It is so awful in every possible way that a good friend of mine once claimed that Revolt may be the "Patient Zero" from which AIDS was spawned.

The film opens with a series of scenes depicting loads of "drugs" (presumably cocaine) coming into the country and being sold to the coke-hungry residents of discos and college campuses - "wherever young people gather".  A voiceover informs us that drugs are "dangerous, destructive weapons" that are "capable of destroying us all, almost instantly".  They will kill us "just as surely as a bomb blast" and are available in "any educational center, from grade schools to universities".  And worst of all, drug dealers "couldn't care less about you".  How rude!  It's all very reminiscent of cautionary tales such as Reefer Madness, Death Drug, or that one episode of The Facts of Life.

From there, we are introduced to Mr. Macintosh, a moustachioed, Mercedes-driving, scarf-prone cowboy who also happens to be the resident drug lord of a generic small town.  We learn quickly that Mr. Macintosh is not the benevolent kind of drug lord.  He and his dimwitted goons are slapping around a man tied up in a barn, apparently because he screwed up a drug delivery of some sort, and plan on burying him in the woods.  Like you do.

On the other side of town, a happy family gathers for breakfast.  The phone rings, and unemployed, clean-cut Uncle George learns that there is suddenly an opening for a driver in Mr. Macintosh's organization!  As the old driver attempts to escape from the henchmen in the woods, Uncle George gleefully speeds over the border with a trunk full of dope.  The slippery former driver manages to hijack a passing car and get away from Macintosh's thugs, but not before getting shot in the butt.

In the hospital, the shitty driver spills the beans to his doctor about Uncle George's new job (because, you see, the doctor is Uncle George's brother Steve's father-in-law) and then proceeds to sneak out before the police come to question him, much to the dismay of an overweight, elderly nurse.  If only this guy could drive as well as he could escape, he'd still have a job!  Anyway, the doctor calls Steve, who calls the Sheriff, and they all go after Uncle George.  In the ensuing chaos, Uncle George is shot and dies.

Steve declares war on Macintosh and his gang, especially after some of them start trouble at a surprisingly festive post-funeral party at Steve's Persian restaurant (Steve and his family are Iranian, but more on that later).  This is all complicated, however, by the fact that the grizzled Sheriff has a weasely deputy who's secretly on Macintosh's payroll.  Several poorly choreographed fight scenes later, Steve has tracked down Curtis (the shitty driver) who is now hiding in the countryside with his sexy girlfriend, and convinces him to help take down Macintosh and his scarves once and for all.

I would like to take this opportunity to call attention to one of the more fascinating aspects of Revolt - the filmmakers are Iranian, and the movie was made in the early 80's when anti-Iranian sentiment in the US was at an all-time high, so much of it is an attempt to portray Iranian-Americans as wholesome, patriotic, drug-hating heroes.  It is made clear from early on that Macintosh and his crew are huge racists, and this includes his wife - who just happens to be Steve's adorable son Jeremy's second grade teacher.  She discourages her son from being friends with Jeremy and does little to prevent the bullying he recieves at school.  Eventually it gets so bad that Jeremy runs crying from the schoolyard and is killed by a speeding car.  Now Steve is REALLY pissed.

Steve and Curtis mount a semi-thrilling assault on Macintosh's compound, running around firing guns and generally being 80's badasses.  But meanwhile, the corrupt deputy has tipped the henchmen off to Curtis' location and they get all rapey with his hot girlfriend.  It never ceases to amaze me how many shitty movies throw in a completely gratuitous rape scene for no apparent reason - I guess the filmmakers aren't content with simply raping our eyes.  Anyways, Macintosh tries to escape in a car with his wife and kid but ends up driving off a cliff like a dumbass.  The movie ends with Steve and his wife cradling Macintosh's dead son with pained looks on their faces that seem to say, "WHHYYYYYYYYY?!??!?"  It's almost as if the boy is a metaphor for their acting careers.

Notes on the Cast: Everyone's delivery in this movie is horrible, but that may have more to do with the fact that virtually every line has been dubbed in.  The star of the film, Rand Martin, is the most stereotypical early-80's dude ever, what with his shaggy 'stache, Lacoste shirts, and Members Only jackets.  The woman playing his wife was apparently a famous Iranian singer, and she definitely looks like what I imagine famous Iranian singers to look like.  And Macintosh is definitely my favorite - he's pretty much a more flamboyant, drug dealing Yosemite Sam.  "Guest Star" Sephernia is apparently an Iranian comedy veteran, and he has an amusing cameo as a wacky chef who attempts to kick Macintosh's goons out of Steve's restaurant (by "amusing", I obviously mean "baffling and horrifying").

Notes on the Production: As I mentioned before, it's almost as if the entire audio track of this movie was lost and every sound effect and line of dialouge had to be akwardly re-recorded.  This leads to almost non-stop lolz, especially during fight scenes.  There are car chases that are surprisingly badass, mostly because these are clearly unqualified people who are actually engaging in dangerous, high-speed driving.  Even though this movie supposedly came out in 1985, it is clear from the cars and wardrobe that it was made years earlier (much like the original Death Drug was most likely filmed in the mid-70's) and spent years being retooled to perfection by director J. Shaybany.  Other crew members include assistant cameraman "B/ Boatman", still photographer "D. Victory", and screenwriter "Shield".  Oh, and when the movie is over, there are no credits.  It simply fades to black and we hear synth music for about a minute until the nightmare is finally over.

Video Bonus: Since no video exists of this movie anywhere outside of Netflix, here is a video of Fatteneh doing her thang on Iranian television.

Cutaway (2000)

Genre: Action
Format: VHS/DVD
Availability: Yellow
Director: Guy Manos

Cast: Stephen Baldwin, Maxine Bahns

Surprise Celebrity: Tom Berenger
Special Guests: Dennis Rodman, Casper Van Dien

Cutaway was the first movie I ever watched ironically.  My friend rented a movie that began with a "C" from a local Blockbuster (before they were relics of the past) and accidentally got this movie in the box instead.  We decided to watch it anyway, and what followed was a cinematic experience that changed my life forever.

The story of Cutaway is really the story of Guy Manos, a skydiving expert and stunt coordinator who has worked on such legendary films as Last Action Hero, Drop Zone, and George of the Jungle. Emboldened by his success in the movie business, Guy decided to try his hand at making one himself.  Along with his brother Greg, he cobbled together a script using the plots of various 90's action thrillers he had either worked on or seen on cable.

The hero(?) of our story is Vic Cooper, a hotshot customs agent who we learn from an opening scene is prone to getting "in too deep".  You know, I'm sure there are thousands of federal agents who are completely professional and never blur the line, but do you ever see movies about them?  No, of course not - but I digress.  Despite the red flags, Vic's supervisor Lt. Margate (Ron Silver) approves him for a mission to expose a Floridian drug smuggling operation.  Because why not?

Using Holmes-esque powers of deduction (less Sherlock, more Katie), Vic determines that the drugs are being smuggled by skydivers.  He decides to get lessons from a local bohemian hottie (a la Point Break) named Star, played by the chick that 90's indie darling Ed Burns was banging back in the day.  He learns that most of the ragtag group of skydiving misfits who hang out at the drop zone have "cut away", meaning that they have removed (or "cut away") everything other than skydiving from their lives.  What a bunch of fucking losers.

The gang consists of two annoying teens named Rip and Cord (one of whom was a minor character in American Pie), the kid from Picket Fences, a hard-drinking risk taker named Ground Rush who befriends Vic, some other randos, Dennis Rodman (who exists in this film only to stand in the background and glare menacingly at Vic), and Redline - the leader of the group who was apparently based on Manos himself.  Redline is played by Academy Award nominee Tom Berenger, who has the bloated, flushed, and sweaty look of a man who is doing the heavy drinking that can only come from a post-Substitute/pre-Inception career slump.

Vic discovers that Redline and Rodman ("Turbo") are the drug runners, but by that point he has officially "cut away" and become part of their competitive skydiving team.  As he begins to master the art of skydiving, befriend Redline, and participate in actual drug smuggling, Vic slowly loses touch with Ron Silver and his old pals at the Customs Agency.  This is shown through an amazing metaphor - every time Vic meets with Margate to exchange information, they are playing basketball.  After Vic "cuts away", he starts missing his shots.  Get your shit together, man!

By the end of the film, Vic has become Redline's right hand man and helps the team win a national skydiving contest.  On their way to the ground after the last event, Vic attempts to arrest his former mentor.  Redline is hearing none of that noise, however - he cuts his chute and plummets to his death, conveniently landing in the center of the landing target without a scratch on him.  Vic must then decide who to go home with - the skydiving team or the cops.  I won't spoil it by telling you the ending but I'll give you a hint: it's dumb.

Notes on the Cast: The sheer douchiness of Baldwin's character oozes through in every scene.  Whether he's riding his sweetass motorbike, lecturing his skydiving teammates, or seducing his female co-star, even the most easygoing viewer will want to punch him in the goddamn face.  Maxine Bahns seems like she didn't put much into her performance beyond memorizing the lines. Dennis Rodman does a passable job of looking scary, and at one point is lucky enough to get the opportunity to rough up Baldwin.  Beringer is better than everyone else, but that's not saying much.  His constant sheen of sweat is the real star here, along with Starship Troopers and all-around bad movie favorite Casper Van Dien as a loudmouthed Army skydiver.

Notes on the Production: As you'd expect, the skydiving sure looks nice.  In fact, the whole movie doesn't look bad, although I guess that's because it's mostly skydiving.  But the script - whoo boy.  Lots of cheesy one-liners (which sound hilarious coming from Baldwin) and overuse of the words "cut" and "away".  Also, Vic and Star fall in love over the course of about twenty minutes, although that mught just be a testement to Baldwin's douchey charms.



Video Bonus: Check out this excellent 2 1/2 minute compilation of the film's best moments, put together by the folks at Everything is Terrible (who know their shitty movies).  It even includes my favorite part of the movie - the montage of happy Redline memories that Vic experiences as Beringer's character plummets to his death.