Genre: Action
Format: Netflix
Availability: BLACK
Director: J. Shaybany
Cast: Rand Martin, Jerryd Luck
Surprise Celebrity: Fattaneh
Special Guests: "Guest Star Sepehrnia"
Thank God for Netflix. Not only does it provide me with specialized categories chock full of the kind of movies I want to see (usually involving a combination of the words "action", "violent", "campy", "horror", "gritty", and "1980's"), but without it, I would have never discovered this heaping, stinky pile of cinematic garbage. As far as I can tell - and trust me, I've looked - Revolt is not available anywhere else. There is no listing of it on the IMDb, and a Google search brings up absolutely no information - aside from a single review from a blog specializing in 80's/90's action flicks. It is so awful in every possible way that a good friend of mine once claimed that Revolt may be the "Patient Zero" from which AIDS was spawned.
The film opens with a series of scenes depicting loads of "drugs" (presumably cocaine) coming into the country and being sold to the coke-hungry residents of discos and college campuses - "wherever young people gather". A voiceover informs us that drugs are "dangerous, destructive weapons" that are "capable of destroying us all, almost instantly". They will kill us "just as surely as a bomb blast" and are available in "any educational center, from grade schools to universities". And worst of all, drug dealers "couldn't care less about you". How rude! It's all very reminiscent of cautionary tales such as Reefer Madness, Death Drug, or that one episode of The Facts of Life.
From there, we are introduced to Mr. Macintosh, a moustachioed, Mercedes-driving, scarf-prone cowboy who also happens to be the resident drug lord of a generic small town. We learn quickly that Mr. Macintosh is not the benevolent kind of drug lord. He and his dimwitted goons are slapping around a man tied up in a barn, apparently because he screwed up a drug delivery of some sort, and plan on burying him in the woods. Like you do.
On the other side of town, a happy family gathers for breakfast. The phone rings, and unemployed, clean-cut Uncle George learns that there is suddenly an opening for a driver in Mr. Macintosh's organization! As the old driver attempts to escape from the henchmen in the woods, Uncle George gleefully speeds over the border with a trunk full of dope. The slippery former driver manages to hijack a passing car and get away from Macintosh's thugs, but not before getting shot in the butt.
In the hospital, the shitty driver spills the beans to his doctor about Uncle George's new job (because, you see, the doctor is Uncle George's brother Steve's father-in-law) and then proceeds to sneak out before the police come to question him, much to the dismay of an overweight, elderly nurse. If only this guy could drive as well as he could escape, he'd still have a job! Anyway, the doctor calls Steve, who calls the Sheriff, and they all go after Uncle George. In the ensuing chaos, Uncle George is shot and dies.
Steve declares war on Macintosh and his gang, especially after some of them start trouble at a surprisingly festive post-funeral party at Steve's Persian restaurant (Steve and his family are Iranian, but more on that later). This is all complicated, however, by the fact that the grizzled Sheriff has a weasely deputy who's secretly on Macintosh's payroll. Several poorly choreographed fight scenes later, Steve has tracked down Curtis (the shitty driver) who is now hiding in the countryside with his sexy girlfriend, and convinces him to help take down Macintosh and his scarves once and for all.
I would like to take this opportunity to call attention to one of the more fascinating aspects of Revolt - the filmmakers are Iranian, and the movie was made in the early 80's when anti-Iranian sentiment in the US was at an all-time high, so much of it is an attempt to portray Iranian-Americans as wholesome, patriotic, drug-hating heroes. It is made clear from early on that Macintosh and his crew are huge racists, and this includes his wife - who just happens to be Steve's adorable son Jeremy's second grade teacher. She discourages her son from being friends with Jeremy and does little to prevent the bullying he recieves at school. Eventually it gets so bad that Jeremy runs crying from the schoolyard and is killed by a speeding car. Now Steve is REALLY pissed.
Steve and Curtis mount a semi-thrilling assault on Macintosh's compound, running around firing guns and generally being 80's badasses. But meanwhile, the corrupt deputy has tipped the henchmen off to Curtis' location and they get all rapey with his hot girlfriend. It never ceases to amaze me how many shitty movies throw in a completely gratuitous rape scene for no apparent reason - I guess the filmmakers aren't content with simply raping our eyes. Anyways, Macintosh tries to escape in a car with his wife and kid but ends up driving off a cliff like a dumbass. The movie ends with Steve and his wife cradling Macintosh's dead son with pained looks on their faces that seem to say, "WHHYYYYYYYYY?!??!?" It's almost as if the boy is a metaphor for their acting careers.
Notes on the Production: As I mentioned before, it's almost as if the entire audio track of this movie was lost and every sound effect and line of dialouge had to be akwardly re-recorded. This leads to almost non-stop lolz, especially during fight scenes. There are car chases that are surprisingly badass, mostly because these are clearly unqualified people who are actually engaging in dangerous, high-speed driving. Even though this movie supposedly came out in 1985, it is clear from the cars and wardrobe that it was made years earlier (much like the original Death Drug was most likely filmed in the mid-70's) and spent years being retooled to perfection by director J. Shaybany. Other crew members include assistant cameraman "B/ Boatman", still photographer "D. Victory", and screenwriter "Shield". Oh, and when the movie is over, there are no credits. It simply fades to black and we hear synth music for about a minute until the nightmare is finally over.
Video Bonus: Since no video exists of this movie anywhere outside of Netflix, here is a video of Fatteneh doing her thang on Iranian television.
