Genre: Action
Format: VHS
Availability: RED
Director: Worth Keeter
Cast: Ian Hunter, Anna Rapagna
Surprise Celebrity: 1984 Olympic volleyball silver medalist Flo Hyman
In the history of American film, there have been plenty of attempts at creating franchises that never quite made it off the ground. Movies like Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins, Sahara, and The Rocketeer were supposed to spawn a string of sequels, but instead quickly disappeared from our national conscious. These are relatively high-profile flameouts, however, compared to the shittier end of the failed franchise spectrum. Some action heroes, super spies, and badass cops have to play out their derivative sagas without coming anywhere near a theater. Duncan Jax is one of those schlemiels. Think James Bond (because lord knows the filmmakers did), then subtract anything resembling charm and add a receding hairline. Oh, and also a fucking baboon sidekick.
We are introduced to Mr. Jax as he attempts to retrieve some gems from the hideout of some Arab jewel smugglers. He escapes in his flying machine just in time, along with his tuxedo-wearing confidant Boon the Baboon (yes, you read that correctly). Dax and Boon later land in the middle of a garden party on the lawn of his boss' estate, where the fancy guests respond by gasping things like "well, I never!" and "is that a monkey?". This is obviously meant to establish that Jax is a rebel who does not play by the rules.
Jax's boss, Star, is a British man who is apparently also a high-ranking CIA official. He informs Jax that there is a group of Nazis (the titular Order of the Black Eagle) living in South America and led by a man called The Baron. The Order has kidnapped a famous laser expert and plan on using his talents to make some sort of death ray. But that's not all! They are also rumored to be in possession of Hitler's corpse, which they might resurrect (perhaps using lasers?). Clearly this film is shaping up to be the next Boys from Brazil, only with more baboons.
Jax is paired up with a sexy blonde, who quickly and unnecessarily makes it clear that they won't be getting along. Immediately after meeting him, she says she's heard a lot about him. When he asks if it was good or bad, she replies, "Oh, all good. So you understand my disappointment." When the boss says they'll become "fast friends", Jax responds, "like oil and water". When the boss suggests the two go to lunch to discuss their mission, she says, "Should I come as I am, or should I swab myself with disinfectant?" What the fuck, lady? I mean, I get that he's balding and creepy and holding a baboon, but this is a little harsh. The boss rolls his eyes, and I'm right there with him. This delightful odd couple is sent undercover to the Order's headquarters, and shortly after arriving the blonde needs help zipping up her dress. Then they bang. Oh, movie magic, you win again!
Dax and Whatsherface are not very good spies, and are soon exposed by The Baron - a man resembling a late-in-life Orson Welles with an eyepatch and an accent that is a mixture of many different nationalities (oddly, none of them German). Dax gets flushed down into the Nazi sewers but escapes using his Spy Tech. He then heads into the jungle where he meets up with Star and a gang of wacky mercenaries who (of course) all have very specific talents like shooting, knifing, or being a big black dude. They have a run in with some local banditos but the team launches an offensive that is made all the more offensive when the baddies are caught off guard by Dax's "hilarious" gay dude impression.When the good guys reach the Nazi compound, shit gets real. They launch an attack using rocket-firing hovercrafts before heading towards The Baron's compound, which looks like the set from Legends of the Hidden Temple. Wave upon wave of henchmen appear and are dispatched easily, usually by that old 80's action standby - the explosion that sends the bad guys catapulting through the air.
Once the Aztec Nazi Jungle Temple has been infiltrated, two insane things happen. First, Dax comes across Hitler's corpse and smashes its cryogenic chamber, causing Hitler's face to split open, revealing a mass of bloody jello with eyeballs and a tounge. Oh, and the other thing? The fucking monkey drives a fucking tank all over the Nazi camp and blows everything up.
Notes on the Cast: Not enough can be said about how goddamn unlikable the character of Duncan Jax is. When James Bond was firing off sexist innuendos it came off as cool, if not endearing. When Duncan Jax learns he will be sharing a room with his partner and says to her, "We'll have to make the best of a tight situation", it makes you want to take a shower. It doesn't help that he punctuates every pun and double entendre with a creepy widening of his eyes. Thank God that Ian Hunter, the man behind the despicable character, has never acted since. As far as the monkey goes, when he's not driving a fucking tank he pretty much just flips everybody off. The only other character with any depth is the hot brunette who's in charge of the mercenaries. Now her, I'd watch a movie about.
Notes on the Production: Sure the action is cheesy and stupid, but the fact remains that this movie required hovercrafts, helicopters, rockets, motorcycles, and all manner of exploding jeeps and speedboats. Someone put a decent amount of money and effort into this movie (much like Funky Monkey), and countless actors were flung through the air for the sake of Duncan Jax's adventures. Despite the abundance of this kind of stuff, though, one can't help but get the feeling that everything is a copy of a copy of a copy of James Bond, Rambo, or Indiana Jones. Which it totally is.
